The ‘Embarrassing Myself in the Audience’ for Actor’s Promoting Awkward Outbursts
Though I try to be a good audience member (I even look askance at people wearing too many bracelets), I frequently get carried away in theatres and far too often make a tit of myself – I sigh loudly, giggle and burst into uncontrollable tears. Of course, it’s all the people on stages fault. This year the worst perpetrators were Jamie Parker and Sam Barnett for their excessive hugging in ‘Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead’; Dominic Mafham in ‘Journey’s End’ for saying the word ‘yes’; and Felix Hayes in ‘Midsummer Night’s Dream’, for doing… well, just about anything.
The ‘Actor’s Are Off Limits Even if they Land in Your Lap’ Award for Best Theatrical Haul
One of the bonuses of sitting close to the front at any show is the potential for nicking anything that falls in your path –though anything bigger than a shoe is frowned upon. This year I not only managed to steal blood (a talent in itself) but I got the best haul from a single show so far at the RSC’s ‘Marat/Sade’ – where I came away with my pockets crammed full of leaflets, toilet paper and a full bag of popcorn. I was also offered a dildo, an actor and a shopping trolley, but resisted as my suitcase wasn’t big enough.
The ‘I’m Henry the Eighth I Am (Not Sam)’ Award for Staving Off Boredom in Queues
Whilst Matilda and the Super Dictionary provided an endless amount of delight for me and my friends (and despair for the people next to us in queues). Nothing has quite provided the distraction (and fear) of planning for the oncoming Squombie Apocalypse – Squirrel Zombies, think about it and never sleep soundly again.
The ‘Fancy Seeing You Here Award’ for Taking Audience Stalking to New Exciting Levels
There are a few other competitors, but really this award could only go to Rob and Jan (Jan has even wheedled her way into the Purple Flouse) who have provided an impressive amount of company and entertainment given I only met them for the first time in person in March and April respectively.
The ‘Fancy Seeing You Here’ Award for Taking Actor Stalking to New Awkward Levels
There have definitely been a few ‘I’m not stalking you, honest,’ moments this year – until he went on tour, I seemed to be spotting Ed Bennett every week; I managed to be in an audience with Dyfan Dwyfor and Gruffudd Glyn, before also sharing a train and a tube with them; and the most ridiculous, I managed to pass a slightly baffled Sam Troughton six times in the space of an hour, to make it worse he didn’t even move, the sod (it was Camden Market, he was at the centre of the spider web, don’t judge me).
The ‘Fancy Seeing You Here’ Award for Taking Actors Stalking Me to Scary New Levels
This one definitely has to be shared between the cast of ‘Little Eagles’ who decided to have lunch outside my office every day for a week; and Ian McDiarmid, Paul Ready and Michelle Terry who all actually got inside where I work… twice.
The ‘Back Us Into a Corner’ Award for Flirting Without Intent
Definitely has to go to Adam Burton, who kept us thoroughly entertained at the Duck one evening. Given that the night ended in a conga, you probably don’t need to know anymore.
The ‘Cheese Head’ Award for Best Actorly Nickname
Has to go to my best theatre buddy, Janine for spawning my favourite moniker of the year with Percy Filth (and no I’m not telling you who it is).
The ‘We’ll Have a Shangover in the Morning’ Award for my Favourite Post Theatre Barmen
Though, sheer determination should have given this to the Bury St. Edmunds barman who started giving us table service; I can’t quite shake my fondness for the post-RSC Roundhouse barmen last January – who not only remembered our orders for us once we were too drunk to, but also started accidentally giving us the RSC discount.
The ‘Well Isn’t This Uncomfortable’ Award for Things Theatres Shouldn’t Stick Inside the Doors of Toilet Cubicles
Though, I’m fond of the Royal Court’s notices that ‘Thieves Operate in This Area’ (Really? Inside the cubicle? Because that almost sounds like a comedy sketch waiting to happen.) This award could only really belong to the Rose Kingston who put the poster below inside their toilets, got to say, encouraging as they are these are not the faces I want looking at me as I pee.
The ‘Making a List, Probably Not Checking it Twice’ Award for Entertaining Theatrical Typos
It happens to everyone, I suspect there are several dozen typos in these posts – but I have been thoroughly entertained by the National Theatre’s commitment to mistakes this year. Not only did they get playwright Prasanna Puwanarajah’s name wrong in huge glowing letters, they managed to marry Adriana to the wrong Antipholus in their program and in one of their brochures credited Frankenstein to William Shakespeare (which is a new take on the authorship controversy).
The ‘Woo-ing Us With New Talents’ Award for Unexpected Skills
As well as being treated to an absolute wealth of new and unexpected skills at the RSC’s fundraiser – ‘The Ensemble Revealed’ (including magic tricks, tap dancing, and the ability to transform into a German Electro legend); it was also fantastic to discover, with Sky’s comedy show The Café, that in Michelle Terry and Ralf Little we have a fantastic new writing team.
The ‘My Sharona’ Award for Making Me Feel Like a Perverted Old Woman
Michael Marcus, enough said. (Damn those actors for getting younger all the time).
The ‘Holy Trinity’ Award for Services to Hair
Both normal hair and facial hair have been an important consideration this year – so I think it’s important to recognize those achieving great things – Kyle Soller for some fabulous hair in a variety of shades, Ben Deery for his (now much lamented) beard, and Tom Burke for some truly stunning sideburns (he wasn’t even on stage at the time, but I don’t care). Excelling above all these fine gentlemen though, is Daniel Cheyne, who managed to pull off all three at the same time. Superb. (See, how I have very carefully not mentioned Daniel Ings’ chest hair.)
The ‘Heffernan’ Award for Services to Knitwear
Based on a number of recent impressive jumper spots in Stratford-Upon-Avon, I am definitely going to have to give this one to Mark Quartley. There were sheep. Keep up the good work, sir.
These awards are basically the greatest thing ever - I am reading them in a quiet study area in campus, which is probably not the smartest idea, as they are making me snort with laughter every second line. Every post is amazing, but this is my favourite, and makes me want to write something similar. I remain disappointed that Very Attentive Barman from Bury St. Edmunds missed out, of course, but everything is brilliant. BRILLIANT.
ReplyDelete(Though, does your compulsion to hum 'Hold me closer, tiny Hamlet' not count in the ‘Embarrassing Myself in the Audience’ award? I suppose he wasn't on stage at the time... :D)
Kestrel!
ReplyDelete